Youth Voices

Jokes Apart

By Ali Suleman

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Once after a Juma prayer in a mosque, the Imam raised his hands to pray and said “O Allah! Cause destruction on those who are conspiring against the Muslims. Destroy America. May their tanks stop working. May their jets stop flying. May worms eat away their canons. May they all die the death of dogs. Oh Lord! Wipe them of the face of this beautiful earth of yours! Burn them in hellfire!”

The namazis were enthusiastically adding “amen” at the end of each sentence. The imam continued against America, then India, then Israel and then also Britain. Now when it was time for much awaited Public Demand, he said “Oh Allah, give health to Chaudry sahib’s father.” Amen. “Grant employment to Khan sahib’s son.” Amen. “Bless Chandio sahib’s daughter with a happy married life.” Amen. “May the soul of Mari sahib rest in eternal peace.” Amen. “Oh Allah, please solve the Green Card problem of Butt sahib…” Ameeeeen.

In a 10th grade classroom, students belonging to different nationalities studied. First day, the teacher asked all to introduce themselves with their name, nationality and a specialty of their nation, which they feel pride in.

First said, “I am Martin John from the United States. Our country is famous for its diversity. U.S. is like a mini-earth. People from almost all cultures, races, religions and ethnicity live there. We feel very proud of the fact that we are broadminded enough to let other cultures adjust in our society.”

The teacher appreciated Martin and moved on to the next student, who said, “Hey everyone. My name is Sapna Patil and I belong to India. We, the Indians, feel pride in the natural and also manmade scenic beauty our country is blessed with. We have Taj Mahal, we have Goa beach, we have Shimla Mountain, and we have Ganges River to name a few.”

“That’s very good, Sapna. Now class, let’s move on to our next student. Yes, kindly tell us your name, then where are you from and then the thing your nation feels pride in.”

The boy sitting next replied “I am Adil Mansoor from Pakistan. And we got ATOM BOMB!!!”

A Frenchman, a Russian and a Pakistani were traveling in a tram together. To kill time, the Russian suggested all to one by one cut a joke each. He himself went first: “Once a 2-seater aircraft got crashed in a graveyard somewhere in the U.S. After three hours, the Americans had dug out 500 bodies and were still searching for more!”

All laughed loudly. Next was the Frenchmen’s turn. He said after thinking a little “a British once said to another British: won’t you go to the doctor today? The other replied: no, I’ll go tomorrow; I’m not feeling well today.”

Again all three laughed their lungs out, before the Pakistani’s turn came, who began enthusiastically “Once there was a Pathan…”

“Pakistan was made on the name of Islam!” a 7th grade schoolteacher was passionately digressing from his Islamic Studies lecture. “The problem with us is that our leaders are corrupt! In fact the whole nation… everyone of us is corrupt. We are a nation of insincere, dishonest and deceitful people! Only the system of Allah can save Pakistan now! The only hope now is Khilafat, which could save our dear Islamic Republic!” he said.

A student suddenly stood up and shouted, “Master ji, which country do we import our Khalifa from?”

A man was lying lazily in his couch on a Sunday evening and aimlessly switching channels on the TV. “Did you see Katrina’s last soap advertisement? She looks so pretty in that skirt, no?” he said to his wife, sitting in the nearby sofa.

“Oh you said the same about the Capri she wore in that juice ad.” she rolled her eyes.

The husband smirked and replied “maybe she really has an intelligent dress sense.”

Suddenly the doorbell rang. No sooner than the man got up and opened the door of the apartment, than he shouted “where do you think you had been in such indecent dress?”

“Papa, I went to my friend’s home, I had told you. What is wrong with my dress?” the 17-year old replied.

“Wherever you went, why is your hair visible out of your abaya?” the father yelled.

“Maybe because I’m not bald like you.” the daughter said and squeezed inside the house.

In a scorching May afternoon at Makah, the crowd of the pilgrims at the Holy Kaaba was more than usual. A huge number of people had gathered around the Black Stone (hajar e asvad), all desiring to kiss the stone only once. Just when an elderly Arab got the chance to insert his face inside the silver-bordered opening reserved for the purpose, a ‘healthy, wealthy and wise’ Pakistani held him from his hair, threw the Arab back, tucked his head inside, kissed the Stone some dozen times, took his head out, exclaimed “Alhamdulillah” loudly while twisting his wrist in the air and ran back towards Baab al saee, pushing and punching anyone who’d been in his way. He had just successfully got all his sins washed away.