Youth Voices

11 Reasons I Want to Join Pakistan Military

By Ali Suleman
CIIT Islamabad

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Yes, the article states 11 reasons I want to join Pakistan military. And no, this isn’t another of those 7 grader essays. So what is it? It’s a satire. The worst nightmare of a satirist is when he has to tell himself that the piece he has written is a satire. But thanks to our forgiving nation, even after the two consecutive security cum intelligent fiascos this month, one has to mention in clear blatant words if he wants to write a satire on the military, lest people take it as a goody-goody essay. So this is a satire. On Pak armed forces. And the 11 reasons I want to join Pakistan armed forces are:

1. You get a healthy amount of money for doing exercise, which otherwise might cost you a month’s pay if you try doing it in a gym.

2. You are paid for getting education, something only a student from Shehzad Roy’s NGO – I am paid to learn – can boast of from the civilian lot.

3. You can shop at discounted rates, and still our forwarded text messages state the Parliament Cafeteria rates (faked, that too), and never of CSDs.

4. You have the authority to brand anyone who raises a voice against your earnings as an Indian agent.

5. No one ever counts the number of cars you own, the acres of plots you get and the amount of money you make throughout your career; we’ve got the punch-bag politicians to practice our bashing skills on instead.

6. Whenever you like, you can stand up and announce a coup, dissolve the elected assemblies, abrogate the constitution and you actually gather a huge public support for that.

7. You get free media coverage not only on September 6, but also on any day that is feebly ‘national’, even if you weren’t born by 1965.

8. You are glorified as if you’ve come from the heavens for just being in the forces, for just doing your job (even if you aren’t doing it)!

9. Patriotism is synonymous to eulogizing you.

10. Whenever you fail, you are showered with petals and streets are decorated with “Pak fauj k jo khilaaf, wo qaum ka ghaddar!” banners in no time.

11. You can simply escape your failures by putting the blame on others. No one will dare ask you twice.